I want to share a story I often use when coaching new leaders – a personal anecdote about a lesson I learned the hard way.

Back when I was at university, I spent a couple of summers working as a waiter in a restaurant. It was a lovely place – a hotel in Salcombe, Devon (UK), with stunning views of the estuary and a sandy beach. It was a fun way to spend the summer.

The restaurant could seat around 80 covers (people). It was divided into sections and waiters would work in teams for a section.

I started as a regular waiter, but was soon promoted to a “station waiter.” This role had to co-ordinate with the kitchen and manage the timing of orders for a particular section. For example, once a table finished their starters, I’d signal the kitchen to prepare their mains.

Being me, I wanted to be helpful for the other waiters. I didn’t want them thinking I wasn’t pulling my weight, so I’d make sure I was doing my bit clearing tables.

Truth be told, I also had a bit of an anti-authority streak – I didn’t like being told what to do, and I didn’t like telling others what to do either.

Then it all went wrong. I ordered a table’s main course before they’d finished their starters. By the time the mains were ready sitting on under the lights on the hotplate, the diners were still halfway through their first course.

If you’ve worked in a kitchen, you’ll know one thing: never piss off a chef.

I was in the shit.

In my panic, I told the other station waiter what had happened. Luckily, they were more quick witted than me. They told me to explain to the head chef that one of the diners had gone to the toilet, and to keep the food warm.

So I did.

The head chef’s stare still haunts me, but I got away with it.

That’s when I realised what I’d been doing wrong. My section was chaotic. The other waiters were stressed and rushing around, and it was clear that my “helping” wasn’t actually helping anyone.

My job wasn’t to be just another pair of hands; it was to stay at my station, manage the orders, and keep everything running smoothly. I needed to focus on the big picture -keeping track of the checks, working with the kitchen, and directing the other waiters.

Once I got this, it all started to click. People didn’t actually mind being told what to do, in fact it’s what they wanted. They could then focus on doing their jobs without feeling like they were also panicking and running around.

What are the lessons from this story?

The most common challenge I see with new leaders is struggling to step out of their comfort zone when it comes to delegation and giving direction.

Leadership is about enabling, not doing. Your primary role isn’t to do the work yourself; it’s to guide, delegate, and create clarity so your team can succeed. Trying to do everything means you’ll miss the big picture, creates confusion and stress.

It’s tempting to keep “helping” or to dive into the weeds because it feels safer. But that’s where things start to unravel – and where many new leaders experience their own “oh shit” moment.

And remember, giving direction doesn’t mean micro-managing, it’s about empowering. Set clear priorities, communicate expectations, step back and allow people to do their jobs.

And yes, sometimes it’s OK to be quite directive – that clarity is often what people need most.